I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Found your dick twin last night
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
