You can't motorboat a personality
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
