But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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