I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
