Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
