I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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