Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
