Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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