is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
