dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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