I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
