I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
