life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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