I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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