Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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