Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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