i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
