Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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