My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
