She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
COCAINE IS GR8
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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