I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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