11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
it's not cheating when I paid for it
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There's always time for handjobs
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
