So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
