We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
