"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
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