If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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