He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
