these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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