woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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