i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You're like the curious george of whores
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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