I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Come see our sink grown plant.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
