You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
