wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
