I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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