You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
