I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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