Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
