i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
