So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
