WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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