He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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