If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
