Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
