Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
