did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
