My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
