my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
