You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
