her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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