Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
