All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
