Swine flu. Run for my life!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
