ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
