Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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