someone owes me an orgasm
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
