So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Randomize
