I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
